Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Dreaded Back-to-School Post

I had planned on writing this post at the beginning of the week, when school was supposed to start. But since the natural disaster of the 10-days-in-year, frequently moniker-ed the Snowpocalypse 2011, hit the South the need for this post has been delayed by 3 1/2 days.

But unfortunately, no act of God can keep school at bay forever. *Insert sullen spewing of words that I am no longer allowed to say since my 18-month-old may have repeated one of them* Generally, I like college. I like my field of study. I like reading and writing. I've always been one of those weird kids who loved school. But the combination of motherhood, pregnancy, and college? Frankly, I'm over it. It royally sucks. It makes me hate school. And unfortunately, sometimes it makes me hate being a mother...and I don't want to feel that way about either.

I know it won't last forever. And I've obviously stuck with it this long, so I'll continue to ride it out.And I know, "it will all be worth it in the end" et cetera. But that doesn't change the day-to-day struggle that being a student mother is for me.

Sometimes, I worry that people think we've got it all together. That our lives our under control. Somehow we manage to be full-time students, part-time workers, and provide 100% of our childcare ourselves. But every day is a fight: physically, emotionally, and financially. There are a lot of tears, a lot of frustration, a maximum amount of stress, and often we fall short.

I'm not the mother that I want to be. And I'm not the student that I want to be. While doing both, I can't win at either. And that's hard for me to except.

I don't want to go back to school. But today, probably as you are reading this, I will be walking into the classroom, trekking onward through my Senior year (the eternal senior year that is dragging on and on...) I don't feel ready, but I don't have a choice.

So here is to another semester, to another set of challenges, to many more nights of writing papers and waking up early: caffeine-free, to reading academic journals while throwing balls with my son, to worrying about my water breaking in class...

Spring Semester 2011. Here I come.

17 comments:

Lynzie said...

You may think you aren't what you want to be, but relatively speaking you are inspirational in all that you do and how well you do it. You make people like me think "I can do that" when considering the idea of having a baby while attending school. Or even "I can do that" when considering to do a million and 1 home projects with a dollar. It may be frustrating, but you really are pretty awesome at it. ;) Good luck with classes. I just started back for the first time in over a year!

Alicia@ eco friendly homemaking said...

I really admire you. That is a lot to take on. You sound like supermom!I pray that this semester will be easier for you and I also pray that you have an easy delivery! One of my favorite scriptures is Ephesians 3:20 and I believe it for you.

That one girl said...

First, what mom is the mom she wants to be? We all can do better right? School and work and being a mommy, wow, I'm impressed!

Clandestine Road said...

When I was getting my master's, I had two children and, as I was applying for my PhD, I found I was expecting our third. All this is to say that I understand how difficult being a being a student mother is. I call it the "B- Syndrome." I passed all my classes, my children were all fed, but I felt like I couldn't give enough to anything. On the plus side, and hopefully this will give you hope, the girls don't remember any of it and I think, two years later, I have finally caught up on my sleep. I know you can do it!

Caroline said...

You may feel that you fall short, but every single post you write is inspirational to me! I regularly struggle with school/work/homelife/etc and I feel like I have 1/3 of the responsibilities as you do! I've been having the back to school blues too (frankly I've had them every semester since 8th grade ;)) but knowing how close you are to being finished is a great motivator I imagine. I bet Dmitri and his future baby brother are going to benefit so so much from your positive outlook and tremendous work ethic.
I'll keep you in my thoughts as we truck through our never-ending senior year together! [4 semesters to go for me, including this one!]

Katie @ On the Banks of Squaw Creek said...

What are you going to school for? I don't think I knew you were a student! I can't imagine how tough that would be!

I'm not the mom I want to be, or the teacher I want to be, either. Which is why I HAD to go part time. I thank God that I was blessed with that opportunity, because it has made a huge difference for our family. (Still not the mom I want to be, though.)

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog, so my question is, is this blog your part-time job or in addition to your part-time job? Writing a blog for me would be equivalent to a part-time job!

Cubarado said...

I can completely relate... I too am in school and have two little kiddos with the third on the way. When school is in session, I too have tears, frustrations and feel I fall short of my best potential as a mother, wife, friend and student. BUT, This too shall pass and when all is said and done you will I hope be thankful you did this for yourself and your children!!
That all being said... I did take this semester off with Baby due... I know my personality and as much as I hated to take a break in my commitment to schooling I knew I needed this time to focus on family and nurture myself a bit before baby #3.
Just the same I trust you made the decision based on what was best for you and your personal affairs.
Many Blessings to you today and lots of smiles!!
You Can Do It!!

vintage vine said...

This is a beautiful post...it is so raw and so honest...I'm older than you, (48) and I still feel overwhelmed and burned out from all my responsibilites...but the one thing I have learned is to keep pressing forward...it will all seem clearer and worth it at a later point. From my perspective, you are doing everything right, even if you do not feel that way now! May God bless you in all you do!

Mama Gone Green said...

Good luck! It is definitely hard to split your energy in multiple directions.. especially when pregnant!!

Leah said...

Wow I am so proud of you! I know it's hard but I am sure it will be worth it!

Luvs!

Isabella's Mommy.... said...

I think we all feel inadequate at some point. I think about this all the time - "how can I be a better mother"? You are taking on a ton & should praise yourself for all that you do!! Thanks for visiting my blog!!

Joi said...

Girl, I respect you and think that this is great! Soon you'll look back and think it was all worth it! That degree is priceless. : )

Mandi Miller said...

I can't imagine how stressful that must be. I had to stop taking classes (partly because I got married, moved and got pregnant all at the same time) and it's made it much harder to go back. You are sticking it through and that is really good... trust me, if you had stopped it would be a lot harder to go back. I am just now wanting to go back but I am doing it online. It's tough being a mom and doing anything else.
Hopefully you will be completely done with your senior year in no time!

And here's to hoping your water doesn't break in class!!

ModernMom said...

You can do it and when you are done you will be SOOOO proud!
Hang in there baby.

Tatiana said...

That is a whole lot for one to have on her plate! Goodness girl, how do you stay sane? I only have a newborn to worry about and some days I feel like I'm going totally nutso!
But obviously you are doing an awesome job, so don't throw in the towel! This too shall pass :-) You can do it!

Tanya @ Dans le Townhouse said...

I'm a little off-topic: I just recently found your blog and had a chance to read all about you and yours. I love your blog and your attitude. I'm doing my PhD in Women's Studies (my background is in Philosophy, funnily enough) but even thought I'm a "feminist" I still want to know how to organize my clost and DIY some art. Varied interests, right? I'll definitely be following you.
~Tanya