I had planned on writing this post at the beginning of the week, when school was supposed to start. But since the natural disaster of the 10-days-in-year, frequently moniker-ed the Snowpocalypse 2011, hit the South the need for this post has been delayed by 3 1/2 days.
But unfortunately, no act of God can keep school at bay forever. *Insert sullen spewing of words that I am no longer allowed to say since my 18-month-old may have repeated one of them* Generally, I like college. I like my field of study. I like reading and writing. I've always been one of those weird kids who loved school. But the combination of motherhood, pregnancy, and college? Frankly, I'm over it. It royally sucks. It makes me hate school. And unfortunately, sometimes it makes me hate being a mother...and I don't want to feel that way about either.
I know it won't last forever. And I've obviously stuck with it this long, so I'll continue to ride it out.And I know, "it will all be worth it in the end" et cetera. But that doesn't change the day-to-day struggle that being a student mother is for me.
Sometimes, I worry that people think we've got it all together. That our lives our under control. Somehow we manage to be full-time students, part-time workers, and provide 100% of our childcare ourselves. But every day is a fight: physically, emotionally, and financially. There are a lot of tears, a lot of frustration, a maximum amount of stress, and often we fall short.
I'm not the mother that I want to be. And I'm not the student that I want to be. While doing both, I can't win at either. And that's hard for me to except.
I don't want to go back to school. But today, probably as you are reading this, I will be walking into the classroom, trekking onward through my Senior year (the eternal senior year that is dragging on and on...) I don't feel ready, but I don't have a choice.
So here is to another semester, to another set of challenges, to many more nights of writing papers and waking up early: caffeine-free, to reading academic journals while throwing balls with my son, to worrying about my water breaking in class...
Spring Semester 2011. Here I come.
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