Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Oh where oh where have I been...

I've been avoiding the blog for a while now.. The few times that I've sat down to write, I just haven't had much to say outside of long tirades of negativity. I don't want to pretend that I'm some mythical creature that doesn't have meltdowns. And yet, I don't want my blog to become a spewing stream-of-conscious of frustration and negativity that leaves me and you feeling downright repugnant. To put it simply, life has just been really hard lately.
David has been working two jobs and taking a very difficult summer class, leaving me with Dmitri and Damon the majority of the time. Being with two little ones two and under from 6:30 AM until 7 PM every day of the week, after waking up 4-6 times a night with a teething baby, has me feeling like there is no "me" left. Being stuck in a messy house while it's 105 degrees, and having to share a car has compounded issues. Not to mention that despite all of our hard work, we have been scraping pennies to pay the bills. I have become a mother-zombie who just wants to take a nap. And maybe punch something. And cry. And file for divorce.

It's been one of the most difficult times of my life. Knowing that our lifestyles are not sustainable, we have been evaluating where we can make changes and try to make our lives run a little more smoothly. A lot of transitions are in progress right now...

David was tired of working hard for a company where he couldn't get a raise or a promotion after working there for three years, so he put in his notice. I am glad that he will be home in the mornings now; I miss waking up next to my husband! It will also mean for the first time in three years, we will have one day off from school/work each week. We are beside ourselves to actually have half of a weekend now! He will continue to work at his other job, where he is the office manager for a storage facility, and I will have to get a job when I graduate in December.I'm not all that excited about it at the moment, but I will worry about that when the time comes.

We also got a bike. David has been biking to work the past few days and plans to bike to school starting next week. We are excited that biking will not only solve some of our car-sharing conflicts but it will also help us save money on gas (we are spending over $200/month right now!). Consistent exercise for David, as well as cutting down emissions add to the  pros list. Dmitri also thinks its quite cool. He loves "bi-kikles" Hopefully it will continue to work out well, since we feel that we are in need of a second car, but just don't have the money for it right now

One thing that I have been very grateful for this summer is the Waldorf-inspired homeschool pre-school cooperative that I have been a part of starting. We  will officially be starting in September, but we have been meeting 2+ times a week over the summer to prepare/plan. I absolutely love our group. They have been a great source of ideas and support, plus, we just have a lot of fun. It has really gotten me excited about homeschooling my little ones.

We are getting ready to start Fall classes on Monday. I cannot believe that it's here: my final semester as an undergraduate. That's something to smile about. I am still trying to finalize my schedule and get into some classes that are full right now. Here's to hoping that it will all work out over the next few days.

Well, that's the update. I am hopeful that life will calm down a little, I can find my rhythm, and blog more.

How's life? Ready for summer to end?

19 comments:

Christina said...

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through a hard time right now. Just keep repeating: "This too SHALL pass!!" I'll pray for you!!

emily @ the happy home said...

so glad that you're ok... i'm sorry things have been so rough! this summer has been such a bummer for most everyone i know. i hope it ends on a high note!

Kristen said...

you are so well-balanced and smart, and such a young mom! you should be very proud of yourself...seriously! two beautiful kids, a husband and a lovely home, not to mention a great head on your shoulders -- you will be just fine! :) congrats on your final semester!

Full House said...

Caroline you have so much on your plate. School and being a Momma would be a little tricky at times..and then add everything else on top of that and I'd want to go crazy at times too. I'm glad to hear you are not the only one who has meltdowns;-)

Clandestine Road said...

Caroline,

You guys are up against a lot. Full-time school and child-rearing is so difficult to do at the same time. You are handling it so well. Is there anyone who can help, like a friend or family, for an hour a week so you can nap or something?

We went through a similar experience and it was so difficult. It hurt our relationship so much that I'm surprised we didn't divorce. I certainly thought about it. Then, one day, my husband quit his second job and we found time to reconnect and I got a respite. Things are still difficult, but at least we have each other now (and found how awesome lentils are). I imagine the lessening of David's schedule will do wonders and you two can reconnect and you can sleep (!).

I wish I could do something to help! I'm thinking of you all and hoping things get easier soon.

Sarah said...

Wow, sounds like you've been busy lately! Summer is always a busy time of the year, so you're not the only one neglecting the old blog. Don't feel bad- if something has got to go for awhile, it's easily the best choice. :)
I'm glad you guys are figuring things out and making adjustments for your new lifestyle. My husband and I are actually doing the same thing, between moving half way across the country (again) and buying a (new to us) truck, we've had some financial changes that we're slowly adjusting to. It's just life.
Hope you get back into your grove soon, I miss your posts and projects! :)

takelifewithagrainofchocolate said...

I have heard great things about the Waldorf style. This will be awesome for your little ones. Keep your chin up - you are so close to the finish line! :)

Sarah said...

Sounds like you've had a rough time. Just being on your own for long hours with a baby and a toddler would be difficult enough! I used to feel like I was barely surviving when Chris was gone from 8am to 10pm. Hope things settle down and having a different routine starting for the fall will help you out.

bron @ baby space said...

I really feel for you Caroline! Sounds like you are having a really tough time (and it's a bit of a wake-up call for me for when my new bub comes along!!) but it also sounds like you are being realistic and have a good plan and the preschool coop sounds really wonderful. Thanks so much for your honesty.

Lauren @ with two cats said...

Wow, it sounds like you are moving in the right direction. I wish I could come over and at least spruce up your place a little bit! I remember how hard it was on the days when Kevin worked until late in the evening and Violet was just a tiny babe - and that was just one child! Best of luck to you with everything. It's great to have a partner who is willing to make changes when something isn't working, isn't it?

Wives said...

I read this and my heart lept. All of us go through our ups and downs and so when we see someone else going thru a hard time - we can sympathize so much.

you are a good person, a great mom and a wonderful wife. this too shall pass. you'll figure it out. and in the meantime, please lean on your blogosphere support system. youre on the right track and you can at least emote properly, which is half the battle!

goodluck my friend

Cate said...

I'm sorry to hear that life is so stressful for you all right now. I'm hoping a calmer season is upon you! Much love.

michelle said...

Hi Caroline! I am so sorry you had had so much on your plate, it isn't easy trying to balance everything especially with kids. You are a wonderful mom and it sounds like things are starting to change for the better. I pray that that continues for you and you are able to find some time for you as well.
Good luck with the schooling, it sounds like you are really excited about.
I hope you have a good weekend!
xoxo

Mandi @My Perfect Mess said...

Oh Caroline! I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. You and David are some of the busiest people I know. Hopefully the changes you are making will be a big help... it sounds like they will be. So sorry girl... thanks for letting us know though. I was starting to worry about you!

Stephanie said...

Hang in there! I'll say some prayers for you guys!

Fiona said...

hi Caroline - good on you for sharing. It can be so tough when your kids are little and no one is getting enough sleep. life was hell for us when our second child was little. it may now help much now but just know that it all gets much easier once your youngest is about 4 and you will barely remember these tough times. i know that may seem a long way off but hang in there. good on you and david for sorting out some practical strategies to ease the burden.
hang in there and know that there are mums all over the world in similar situations
take care
cheers Fiona

Christy said...

Caroline I know this feeling oh to well. You need a date night or a moms day out;) those always do the trick.

You are doing an awesome job. All that investing in your boys & family pays off.

Thinking of you.

Mama Gone Green said...

Sorry to hear all that you have been dealing with. Hope the transition into autumn goes smoothly. xo

Bromeliad said...

Sounds like you are figuring it out. And you can always whine on your blog, as long as you include pretty photos.