Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Unexpected


I've been quiet here on the blog these past couple of weeks; life has been anything but quiet. I've sat down to write about the unexpected events of these past days, but I've struggled to find the words. I don't want to say too much. Or too little. I don't want to write little posts about hanging a picture frame or about how I've gone up two maternity sizes, when so many other bigger thoughts are in my head. And yet, I don't want to write about those thoughts. They are raw, and painful, yet sprinkled with thankfulness and smiles.

But here I am, sitting at the keyboard, trying to press on. Pressing on through the wordiness and wordlessness that are co-existing states in my mind right now. 

Two weeks ago, our home was broken into in the middle of the night, while we were there (sleeping). It was utterly terrifying for me to wake up to one of my numerous bathroom trips to find our home broken into. 

My phone, David's laptop, and bike were stolen. I am thankful that an acquaintance very kindly sent me a phone and case; even though I had insurance, my deductible was $200, and I have only had the phone 4 months, so an upgrade was not possible. But it makes me sad that David's new laptop was stolen. He had just gotten it for graduation in December; he has been a student for 5 years, and has never had his own computer. With his current job, and with starting graduate school, he really needed one, and I have not seen anyone as excited as he was that his parents and grandparents got him one for graduation. He also used his bike daily to ride to work (the university is a big campus and he can't park right where he works, so he bikes). I know how disappointed he is, and I hate that we don't have the money to replace them.

I told David that I know poverty leads people to desperate means, but I wish that they had stolen from someone who wasn't poor too. The emotional toil it has taken is just as frustrating. I am already a bit paranoid, and I hate being by myself. And this experience makes it so much worse. I just feel scared. A lot. And have terrible anxiety.

We were trying to pick up the pieces of our lives, when we received the shocking phone call the next day bearing the incredibly sad news that my sister-in-law, who married my brother last August, passed away in a freak accident that morning. She passed out at work and fell into a glass shelf, and an 8" piece of glass severed her aorta. We drove up to where my family lives, about 4.5 hours north of here, that evening to be with my family. The next week was somewhat a blur- making the arrangements, shopping for her burial clothes, the family viewing, the funeral, the visitation (which lasted for 5 hours), and finally, the burial. Such an emotional time of grieving our loss, and yet, holding tightly to the warm memories of her smile.

Of course, I took photos to capture the memories- happy and sad.

My brother playing two songs that he wrote at her funeral.


The line to get into the church where the service was. Many people had to leave and come back. It was so packed. Thousands of people came to say goodbye.


The beautiful casket and flowers. Her wedding colors were purple.


She is buried up on a hill with a beautiful view of the mountains next to this statue.

Remembering Carol ....

  

(left to right, top to bottom:
-I took this photo of Carol & Cooper at her graduation last May- they used it for their wedding invitation.
-Dmitri and Damon were their ring bearers at their wedding last August
-Carol & I at the beach last August)

My heart is so broken for my brother, for her parents, for our entire family. She will be so missed.

Despite the many many tears, it still feels very surreal and hard for me to grasp. I know it will take time.

And somehow, the days keep coming. Tomorrow marks two weeks since she died. Life continues for those of us left behind, although differently than before.

This week:
:: we started the seeds for our spring garden.
:: we planted 4 blueberry bushes.
:: I took Dmitri to his first play- Winnie the Pooh.
:: we created the biggest bed we have ever seen by adding a twin bed to our king bed.
:: Baby # 3 continues to grow. I will be 33 weeks this week- at my last appointment I was measuring 2 weeks ahead (I think this is the first time that has happened in any of my pregnancies) - which I think means I will probably have a big baby, not an early baby.
:: we are trying to get back into our rhythm. Sort of.

All of that to say, I am holding dearly to the many many things that I have to be thankful for. My children, our safety, my family, the incredible love and support that friends and family have poured out on us. I am thankful for Carol and her beautiful smile, and the joy that she brought to our family - albeit for a shorter time than any of us would ever hope for. I am thankful for this life.


19 comments:

Rixa Freeze said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about the break-in and your SIL's passing. We've had our house broken into at night, while we were sleeping. It was terrifying. In our case, it turns out it was a very drunk college girl. But we didn't know that when lights started turning on in the house, and we heard things being thrown and broken in the kitchen.

Emily said...

I'm so sorry. She looks so full of life and love and energy. Death is always so difficult and sad, but when it's someone young its always more poignant somehow. I will be thinking about you and your family.

Christina said...

oh so sorry to hear about all of this :( My heart feels heavy for you & your family. I'll pray that you'll all find some peace & rest in the next few weeks :(

Bethany Lenhart said...

I am so very sorry for all this sad news. It puts a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I pray you find peace and strength to get through the next few weeks. I can only imagine how difficult that will be.

Laurel said...

oh my goodness...I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace. Keep giving those little kiddos hugs.

Unknown said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. I pray it brings you a bit of peace. Prayers continue. xoxoxo

Christy said...

Caroline, my hearts goes out to yours during this difficult time. Praying for protection over your family and rest for you. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I am just one of your anonymous readers, but I feel so much sympathy for you. Please know that there are good people out there who care, and that we wish the best for you in these hard times. Take care...

e.horn said...

So sorry to hear about all this. Praying for you and your family.

Mel said...

Prayers to you and your loved ones. Extra hugs all 'round.

Sarah said...

Oh my! I am so sorry for your loss! She is absolutely beautiful and she looks so happy in those photos. You and your family are in my prayers. God Bless.

Kristen said...

oh my gosh, caroline. that is incredibly sad, and i don't really even know what to say except i am so sorry for all your loss. i will be thinking of and praying for your family's peace.

Sisterino said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your family's terrible loss and the hard times you have been having. My prayers are with you.

Lori said...

I am so sorry to hear about the events of the past few weeks. What a challenging time for you and your family.

Enjoying this beautiful life we've created said...

I am so incredibly sorry to hear about the loss of your sister in law. She was beautiful! Your brother and Her loved ones are in my prayers. Also I am sorry about the break in and the items that were stolen. I hate that peoPle can be so cruel :(

Anonymous said...

One of the unknown followers of your writings - just wanted to send prayer and care to you all. Faith will guide but won't take away the pain and disbelief. There is no sense in all this but there is an outpouring of love and care. God bless from the deepest part of mystery.

Anonymous said...

Hello, I don't know you personally, but I follow your blog and love reading about you and your views. I am deeply saddened for you and your family for your loss. It is so hard to say goodbye. I pray in time that you find comfort in your memories and time you spent together. I am also sorry to hear about the break in...how scary!

Marlee said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. What a tragic accident. I think your blog to recap the events was beautifully written, and I hope, for you, therapeutic. Best to your family. Marlee

Anonymous said...

Wow. I am filled with so much sorrow reading this entry, I'm not sure how I missed it before. I am SO sorry to you and your brother for your loss. Thinking of you all.