David said to me last week, "Are you ready to not be pregnant anymore?"
I stopped and sighed. Yes, I am. In some ways, very ready. And yet, I'm not. And that simple question, which I think my husband thought would be so easy to answer and he probably meant as rhetorical, has led me down a long and winding self-analyzation this past week as I enter my 36th week of pregnancy.
Pregnancy and I - we have a love/hate relationship.
...puking for weeks 5-18.
... the exhaustion, at first from the hormones, and later from hauling around the two of us.
...when my body fails to allow me to follow through with my to-do list.
...wanting to fall asleep at 11 AM after a full night's sleep.
... the constant weight fluctuations, changing sizes, and awkward in-between clothing moments.
...having three or four different sized wardrobes.
...being so exhausted, yet unable to sleep.
...being overly emotional.
...round ligament pain. (So severe that at times I physically can't walk).
...peeing. All. the. time. (And 4+ times a night).
...the excitement of looking forward to a new life, that grows mysteriously and wonderfully.
...the first butterfly flutters of a moving and growing baby.
...hearing the heart beat for the first time. And then every time.
...the motivation; getting things done makes me happy and an impending arrival is incredibly motivating for a goal-oriented person like me.
...that my body is able to create a human. That's crazy.
...that by my third pregnancy, I actually have maternity clothes that I like.
...the anticipation of labor starting.
...picking a name (or two.).
...the new appreciation I will have for my non-pregnant state. The littlest things will amaze me (like not having to pee every 5 minutes).
...(and this time) guessing whether it's a boy...or a girl....or a boy?
...the opportunity to write a new and different birth story that's my own.
But most of all, I absolutely love having a newborn- those first moments, days, weeks. The cuddles. Every single move and eye-lash twitch seeming somehow magical. Falling in love. And that's why I do all of this. All the loving and hating. The mixed emotions that leave me a mess (and probably annoy everyone around me. Although, I'm lucky enough to have a husband who knows better than to say anything-- except after the baby arrives I'm sure he will exclaim over and over how happy he is that I am not pregnant.)
I'm not quite ready yet. I'm still savoring more of the loves than the hates.
But, I will be soon.
I'm focused on finishing my to-do list - I think everything that was an "absolute necessity" has been accomplished. Now just tying up some other projects that would be put on the back burner post-baby(organizing the playroom, building, fencing).
A bunch of teeny tiny diapers arrived today, and I couldn't help but feel giddy to think of the little one who will be wearing them so soon.
I'm reading Birthing from Within. I'm finally making room to prepare mentally and emotionally for the birth - which after having done twice, is still overwhelming and intense.
We are organizing and decorating what will be "the birthing room". Building a new bed, re-arranging, building an awesome laundry basket organizer. Photos to come, I am sure.
I am so excited about my Blessingway this Friday.
And other things are growing, aside from my belly. Like my spring garden sprouts that I need to transplant this week. (But weeding, I'm not sure that the growing belly is going to allow for that. We will see. And at least try).
A belly photo soon.